Last week a study concluded that coffee is bad for you. According to – oh, who cares? Next week there’ll be a study concluding that coffee is good for you. And that will be followed by a negative study, which will be followed by a positive study, then negative, then positive, et cetera ad nausium, dominus vobiscum.
Every few weeks we get a report that coffee is good or coffee is bad and it all adds up to much ado about nothing. What a monumental waste of time and money – mostly taxpayer money, I suspect.
Look, I tossed all the results of all these reports into a Yahtzee cup and this is how they tumbled out:
> Moderate coffee drinking lowers the risk of heart disease. Heavy coffee drinking increases the risk of heart disease. No brainer, there. Everything in moderation.
> Coffee increases blood flow, curing headaches and delivering medicine quicker, yet coffee decreases blood vessel tone and function. Hmmm – a toss-up.
> Coffee, as a mild diuretic, can aid against constipation and other bowel problems, yet as a mild diuretic, it can contribute to dehydration if not enough water is consumed. Then again, coffee is nearly 100% water, so what’s the problem?
> Coffee can aid sleep. Coffee can disturb sleep. Now they’re just messing with us.
> Here’s a compilation of bad things about coffee – but they have qualifiers:
- Coffee MIGHT increase the risk of hypertension, BUT mostly in people with high blood pressure.
- Coffee MAY increase the risk of osteoporosis in women who drink it heavily and who have low calcium diets.
- Excess unfiltered boiled coffee increases LDL (“bad”) cholesterol.
- Coffee MAY cause bad breath – IF you drink it with milk.
I mean, come on…
Here are some more maybes and mights:
- Coffee MIGHT cause rapid and/or irregular heartbeats.
- Coffee MAY cause heartburn.
- Coffee is mildly addictive, which means withdrawal MAY take a few days with headaches and restlessness. (I say don’t quit!)
- And Coffee MIGHT stain your teeth.
Okay, in the “good for you” column, some rather decisive findings:
- Coffee is chock full of Antioxidants, which slows ageing.
- Coffee protects against Parkinson’s disease.
- Coffee protects against Alzheimer’s disease.
- Coffee protects against forming gallstones.
- Coffee protects against forming kidney stones.
- Coffee lowers the risk of Type 2 Diabetes in young-to-middle aged women.
- Coffee protects against liver cirrhosis, especially alcoholic cirrhosis.
- Coffee’s caffeine increases alertness and improves information processing.
- Coffee relieves asthma symptoms.
Coffee’s starting to sound like a health drink, to me.
Look, here’s a chart of addictive drugs and their relative level of addictiveness. Let’s see, caffeine is… not even on the list!
Okay, here’s another chart. Hmm… caffeine didn’t rate here, either.
Oh – here’s one. See how high caffeine rates… oh wait, the higher the rating, the safer the drug is.
Well there you go. Of all the vices out there, coffee barely gets a mention. I say if you like coffee, drink it. And when a report comes out about coffee, ignore it. Your life will be simpler and happier and yes, you’ll sleep better for it.