Dead birds are falling from the skies by the thousands! Tens of thousands more fish and crabs are washing up dead on beaches everywhere! Whales and dolphins are committing mass suicide!
The planet’s magnetic pole shifted 40 kilometers last year! Massive sink holes are swallowing cities! The icecaps are melting! Crazy weather – eclipses – Loonie parity with the US dollar – Snooki wrote a book!
What’s going on here? This can’t be blamed on cow farts, can it? Incandescent lightbulbs? Or the Sasquatchian carbon footprints of every human on Earth?
No, my friends, the actual cause of our global spin into oblivion is Lady Gaga.
Yes! The Mayans noted “Gaga” on the last date of their calendar. Nostradamus predicted Lady Gaga in a recent reconstruction of his notes. Even Paul the Psychic Octopus chose Lady Gaga as the Harbinger of Doom moments before he became calamari fra diavolo!
Yes, Lady Gaga, the woman who wore the dress made out of raw meat, the woman who puts live fireworks in her bra, the woman who bathes herself in blood while she sings, the woman who – cover your children’s ears – recorded a duet with Michael Bolton!
Perhaps without malice, this bleach blonde bisexual makes Madonna look like an old lady. Oh wait, Madonna is an old lady. Well, she’s over the top, anyway, and it’s throwing everything off balance.
If Lady Gaga plans a concert on December 21, 2012, we’re hooped! All I can say is gird your loins, my friends, gird your loins. The worst is yet to come!
On the other hand…
It’s a well-known fact that all these things – dead wildlife, the ever-shifting magnetic pole, unpredictable weather, eclipses, melting icecaps – all these things happen all the time. They’ve happened regularly throughout history. They’ll continue to happen. It’s just part of nature.
Not an alien invasion. Not a conspiracy. Not global warming. Not even Lady Gaga.
I just hope she avoids a December 21, 2012 concert. Better safe than sorry.